


Grief and a Good Punch

by kayethespade



Series: Kiari Ryder [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Anger Management, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, nb!ryder is custom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 00:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10450896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayethespade/pseuds/kayethespade
Summary: Kiari Ryder has a lot of pent up feelings to deal with, and who better to help deal with them than the person she's in a flirtationship with.





	1. Punching Bag

**Author's Note:**

> A few minor story spoilers for Kadara ahead. Read at your own risk.

Kiari punched the bag again with a frustrated grunt. Her lilac hair, normally swept to the side, was held back by an elastic and a headband into something resembling a ponytail. Her sports bra and sweatpants were starting to become soaked with sweat. She brought her knee up to kick the bag a few times, sweat flying off of her as she exerted herself.

She heard the door open behind her. With a bit of embarassment, Kiari turned down the punk music and wiped her forehead with the towel hanging around her neck. She couldn't help but smile when she saw Jaal standing awkwardly off to the side.

"Did you need something?" she asked. Kiari took a seat on the edge of her bed, but suddenly felt way too short and stood again. She was still breathing hard.

"I wanted to check on how you were doing. A few others heard the angry noises coming from here. They were concerned," he explained. "I was...concerned."

"Just working out some frustration. Nothing major. Just a few small details from our recent business on Kadara," Kiari grumbled. She fiddled with the towel, twisting it around itself and letting it go.

"Did something happen?" Jaal asked.

She began to pace. "It was a few things. See, I can't simply see all the different shades of grey in morality. It just isn't how I operate. B!ut a lot of my crew are not as "only the greater good" as I am. And then we go to this place where I see so much corruption, and..."

Kiari took a deep breath, letting her biotics flare slightly at her fingertips before letting her fists relax by degrees. She rubbed her eye with a small grumble.

"I watched members of the Outcasts beating up someone who didn't pay their protection fees. And I had to just let it go or I'd be in their same position. And then I had to deal with Sloane Kelly. Dear god. I wanted to slam my omniblade right through her. But no. I had to play nice so I could get intel. The only other way was another smuggler, so I'd have to deal with a criminal no matter what. So I'm just letting her execute Vehn Terev. I don't care that he's a traitor with no remorse because every life is worth something goddamnit," she concluded. Kiari felt her fists clench, and before she knew it, she was punching through her bag. Styrofoam beads spilt onto the floor. It was a ferocity Jaal had never seen on her before. The look in her eyes when she turned back spooked him.

Jaal stood there open-mouthed for a moment. "I'm...in awe."

"I'm sorry. That was unprofessional of me. I didn't need to talk about all of that. I certainly didn't need to lash out," Kiari said. She turned away from him.

"Ryder...Kiari, is it alright if I hug you?" he suggested. She put her hand over her mouth to keep from smiling so hard, but failing that, she whirled around on her heel.

"I'm a little sweaty, but yeah. I'd like that right now," she answered. Jaal brought her into his arms. Kiari felt safer than she'd felt in months. Years, technically. She closed her eyes, smooshing her cheek into his chest.

"You are a very caring person, Kiari. I see that is a rarity for people from the Milky Way," Jaal said. She laughed slightly.

"Yeah. I'm told I'm uncommonly good more often than most," she mumbled.

"You feel deeply for those who are entrenched in corruption. It's a trait that guides your benevolent actions, but it also gives you a unique guilt for those you can't help," he suggested.

"Since when are you a psychoanalyst?" Kiari teased.

"I'm not. I empathize with your conundrum." He ran his hands up and down her back, trying to comfort as best he could. She smiled.

"Hmm. Are crises of morality common for angara?" she asked.

"There is certainly much more consideration for others since family is so important. Sadly, nothing is ever as easy as black and white, though I wish it were so," Jaal replied.

"I see. Fighting the kett can never be simple. Same with the Roekarr. They're family," Kiari hypothesized. She felt the clench in his jaw with his chin resting on the top of her head.

"Exactly."

"I was never close with my father, but I understand with my mom and brother. I couldn't imagine fighting them," she muttered. "I try to do good where I can. I can almost never be sure that what I'm doing is the right thing, really."

"That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself," Jaal said.

"I couldn't hold my head up in public after all this is over if we achieved victory through cruelty. That isn't my way."

"The resistance follows a similar rationale," he chuckled. His teeth stopped clenching.

"I read up on anagaran law while we were on Aya a while back. I think I'd fit in rather well," she joked.

"You certainly fit in with me." He moved to pull back, but Kiari held him. She felt her face turning red from the noise that came from her throat.

"A little bit longer. Please?"

"You aren't hugged often?" Jaal asked.

"I haven't had a hug in over six hundred years," Kiari laughed. He embraced her a bit tighter. "You are the best. No contest."

"I try."

"I'm sorry for getting so emotional back there. It isn't like me," she apologized.

"Is there a reason you are so formal all the time?" Jaal asked.

"I feel like it's common courtesy. I have to stay level-headed or everyone else does a swan dive off the handle. And I...may or may not have been made fun of for being so emotional when I was younger," Kiari said.

"I can't imagine that. Why would people tease you malisciously for having emotions?" he growled.

"Well, combine it with me being so kind-hearted, and people start to think I'm too sensitive to do anything of substance."

"You could never be accused of not doing incredible things, Kiari," Jaal said.

"I guess I'm proving them wrong," she joked.

"You certainly are. And you are...important to me. Though you make it easy to be close to you," he teased.

Kiari squeezed hard one more time before pulling back. "God that was nice. Thank you so much for that."

"Any time. Stay strong and clear, dearest," Jaal said as he made his way out.

Kiari grinned. She watched him leave until the door swooshed shut behind him.


	2. Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world seems to be falling apart, and Kiari is definitely not okay with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few major story and minor email spoilers. Read at your own risk.

Kiari tiptoed to the Nomad, trying not to wake the rest of the crew. She took a seat near it, listening to the subtle hum of the drive core. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"Couldn't sleep?" a familiar, deep voice asked. She flinched at the sound, whamming her elbow against the Nomad. Kiari gasped in air to keep herself from yelling out. Instead, she emitted a high-pitched whine.

"Oh fuck. Oh sweet Jesus that hurt," she whispered.

"Are you alright? Should I wake Dr. Lexi?" Jaal stooped down next to her. He carefully took hold of her arm and straightened it out to assess the damage.

"No. I'm fine. It was just a twinge from my funny bone," Kiari sighed. Jaal elected to hold her hand over keeping a hold on her arm.

"That doesn't seem very funny to me. Am I missing the joke?"

"Honestly, nobody really knows why we call it that. But it hurts like hell when you hit it on something. Especially if that something happens to be made of metal and plated gold," she grumbled.

"Speaking of that, why are you down here in the first place?" Jaal asked. He held her hand in both of his.

"You were there on the Archon's ship. You saw me die, Jaal," Kiari began.

"Would you like to continue this in private? I understand if you would only like to share this with me," he suggested.

Kiari felt her ear wiggle as she picked up a small sound. "Peebee."

"Yes?"

"Huh. My recognition's getting better," she joked. Kiari stood up and started back to her cabin. "It's not polite to listen in on private conversations."

"Thanks for the tip, mom. I'll be sure to not tell everyone you're breaking down on the inside," Peebee answered.

"I appreciate the thought, but everyone already knows that," she said before disappearing into her apartment with Jaal close behind. Kiari took a seat on her bed, crossing her legs and looking down at her hands. Jaal sat beside her. He took one of her clenched fists into his.

"Dearest, please tell me what is troubling you," he pleaded.

Kiari smiled a little bit, even as her eyes filled with tears. "Are you sure? I may cry." She felt tears falling down her cheeks and chest and onto her hand. Her fists loosened, and Jaal intertwined his fingers with hers.

"It is better to feel it now than feel it later," he encouraged.

"I did what I had to for the mission, but I was so terrified that I wouldn't be coming back. You sounded so resigned to never seeing me again, and I couldn't handle that," she weeped.

Jaal wrapped his arms around her shoulder. She gently swung her legs over his so that he could hold her better. Kiari cried into his neck.

"Liam emailed me about it. He told me about a friend who had been dead for four minutes and tried to get back to work. She broke. I thought to myself, "That's not going to happen to me. That can't happen to me." I guess I'm perfectly in line for having died, right?" she explained.

"You aren't often scared for your life while we are on missions?" Jaal asked.

"Guns and biotics keep me secure. But I died without any of the normal explosions and fanfare. And there was no bright light leading to immortality. Only a few seconds of darkness before I came back to life. Just. Void. That's more than a little concerning for someone who believes in a happy afterlife," Kiari sobbed.

"You are scared that when you die permanently, there will be nothing?" he asked.

"Among other things, yes. I'm terrified. I was terrified of never seeing you again, and while those are feelings for another day, I know that I care about you," she said.

"You are safe with me. I'll never let that happen to you again," Jaal whispered. Kiari listened to his heartbeat. It gave her something to sync her breathing to. He continued to whisper sweet nothings. Simply being there with her was enough.

"Stay here with me. Just for tonight," Kiari pleaded.

"Anything you need," he said.

She reached up to kiss his cheek before scooting over to the covers. Jaal stood momentarily so that she could throw the covers back.

"I'm sorry I never asked. Is human bedding uncomfortable? Do you need anything?" Kiari asked. He smiled down at her as he slid in beside her.

"Human and angaran bedding is suprising equivalent, actually. An odd coincidence over the expanse of dark space," he answered. "I'm surprised you remembered that."

"I did very well in school back on Earth. Granted, most of it was useless memorization. That still means I have a very keen memory for details," Kiari said. She laid her head on his arm. Jaal placed his other arm around her waist to keep her close. Kiari yawned.

"I won't keep you awake all night talking, dearest. Sleep well," he murmured.

"Thanks, darling," she muttered as she slipped into sleep.


End file.
